Tales of the Red Way
In every game, in every genre, there is a T'urd
Currently under seal per Court Order. It is said that Ghost may have dreamed up Fantasy T’urd as a way of getting revenge on Vecca and the others. On the other hand, T’urd believes that he dreamed up Vecca for pleasuring himself throughout the long night.
As can be seen from the eerie image above, T’urd has the uncanny ability to rip through reality, with items and weapons anachronistic of his time and may have developed ‘zipper magic’ a special kind of sorcery that T’urd has found to have numerous applications.
Fantasy T’urd is a suspected associate of Space Thoven, a strange creature that is almost as evil and as foul and mean-spirited as Fantasy T’urd. However, Fantasy T’urd ‘junk’ was determined to be unusually small, such that it was suspected that his entire disposition was set by finding out about his own lack of prowess. He desire to show ‘his magic staff’ comes from it being more of a ‘magic nub.’ It is possible that Space Thoven is some kind of therapist, tending to Fantasy T’urd’s psychological problems.
We regret to inform the public that Fantasy T’urd, that bon vivant and “bear about town” who wooed the ladies and cowed the men, has passed away due to the incredibly selfish actions of one Space Thrash, who also died (which serves him right). A more complete obituary will be provided after certain legal issues have been resolved.
An update: Several bribes and threats of physical harm later, the following obituary has been published in the Galaxy Times:IN MEMORIAM
T’urd von Ferguson (b. ? – d. 11/24/13)
T’urd von Ferguson was born on the planet Po into a loving and supportive family. His mother, Vageerza, was a freelance Furry sex surrogate who excelled at the production of premium loaded dice and was always handy with a barbed shiv when family finances were tight. The identity of his father is somewhat problematic, but T’urd most likely was conceived at the Spurtin’ Bear, one of the nicer Urseminite sperm donor clinics on Po, where his mother worked part-time as a “target.”
T’urd’s early life was awash with potential. It also, unfortunately, was awash with toxic waste, as his childhood home was directly across from a Space Fracking Water disposal site. The young cub soon acquired a reputation among the local constabulary as having a sharp eye for mischief and a keen sense for finding just the right patsy to take the fall for any number of zany adventures. When an angry wife caught T’urd’s mother “polishing the silver” of a local councilman, Vageerza was forced to skip town, leaving her irrepressible scamp of a son on his own.
Soon, T’urd found Po too small of a world for him, as most jurisdictions had issued “shoot on sight” orders. So, with nothing more than the clothes on his back and several kilos of high-quality Space Meth, T’urd was off to scratch his mark on the galaxy. His first job was as a Whore Wrangler at the Interstellar House of Flesh franchise on Gorgonus XI. It was there that T’urd developed the skills for interacting with women that would serve him so well throughout his all too short life.
After the management of the Interstellar House of Flesh determined that T’urd had worn out his welcome there, he found employment as a Cavity Search Officer at the Juvenile Detention Center for Young Female Delinquents on Aphrodite III; Knee Cap Specialist, Second Grade at the Phobos IV Casino; a Strike Breaker at the Calomite Mining Company and a Bodyguard for the CEO of Pan-Con, Ltd., although the company disputes this characterization, referring to T’urd instead as a “kidnapper.”
All these experiences prepared T’urd for the apex of his professional life – a valued employee of TransGalaxy Corporation. Beginning as a lowly security officer, T’urd rapidly advanced through the company to rise to the level of Commodore. He served, at different times, as Morale Officer, Captain, Artillery Gunner, Collections Agent, Procurement Officer, Space Suit Inspector, Surveillance Officer, Lawyer and Chick Magnet. In every instance, without one exception at all, T’urd was the most important member of the crew, singlehandedly accounting for all the ship’s successes.
His tragic death was a result of a concerted and nefarious cabal instituted against him by the sinister Mmmmmerl, a cowardly Rigelian, and by the ship’s doctor, a talking weed (and not the good kind of weed…) named Dr. Sumac. These villains opposed T’urd’s common sense and strong leadership at every turn, ultimately joining with a malicious old monk to destroy the ship and start the Burger Wars, whose ill effects we feel to this day. There were others on the ship, but they did very little and their names are forgotten.
T’urd is survived by his loving and insatiable paramour, the sexbot who he let pretend she was the captain of the ship but whose name he never learned, and, according to paternity suits from at least a dozen planets, approximately thirty-seven children.
Contrary to scurrilous rumors, he DID NOT ever have his balls removed.
In lieu of flowers, donations may be made to hiring assassins to track down and kill, as slowly as possible, that crazy monk.
“Heh, heh, I’ve got magic in my zipper, all right! Let me show you my magic staff…”